I am really struggling tonight. I keep expecting us to find our feet, for us to rise up, strong in faith, and continue our lives as if nothing has changed. (I know this is just day two, and logically I really understand that it is reasonable for us to still be grieving from the news we received, but I am annoyed at my inability to shake this.) Honestly everything feels worse late at night when I get tired, so I should be going to bed earlier and not writing while I am sad.
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Still, the sadness is party of this journey too. Ryan and I both agree that we’re not flailing. We know we’re not panicked, we’re not even really scared. We’re just very, very sad.
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I can not imagine restarting chemotherapy again. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to put into words how imprisoning it feels to have a child on chemotherapy treatment, and how free our life felt this last year. I keep trying to remind myself that the last time we were told Joel was about to die was right before we had this amazing year.
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Joel seems so healthy. He is growing and happy and I can’t imagine watching him disappear into a weak, sick, tired child again.
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It seems like a very small thing, but as I sat down to write this I felt like the key to walking this out is to get a bigger picture for just how much God loves us. I feel like what we are facing right now is so overwhelming especially because we’re getting close to two years into fighting cancer and we are just really tired. At the same time I believe that when my picture of how much God loves me becomes bigger than how hard this road is, I will be fine.
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I’m also relearning what grief this big feels like, relearning that when I feel myself get tired and sad it is time to worship or read the bible or pray. I’m remembering how to be diligent to enter God’s rest. (Hebrews 4:11) It is a mercy to be so sensitive to the state of my spirit. I definitely know when I am feeling empty now, but I am hoping that sometime soon I can remember what it feels like to feel full.

Comments

There are 5 comments for this post.

  1. Dawn Haas on October 22, 2011 7:56 am

    Your faith is so inspiring to me. Praying that you feel full of Gods precious peace and presence !

  2. Sarah Osborn on October 22, 2011 4:04 pm

    Dear Amy, Joel and the Green family,

    Thank you for visiting us through Natalie’s website — it was such a gift to learn of Joel and be able to know his story and begin to pray for him and all of you. I am SO, SO sorry to hear of the latest news and I have been thinking of and praying for Joel and all of you constantly. My heart breaks for you and my soul is often lifted up to the Lord for you with wordless moans and groans as I can only imagine, or not, what this time must be like for you. Not trying to claim that I know anything about the season you have just entered into with these new tumors and cancer, but I felt moved to mention Joel on Natalie’s website and ask others to pray as well. Please know we are praying for you.

    Dearest Heavenly Father,

    Our confident Hope is in You. We stand on You, our Rock and Salvation. We pray for baby Joel. None of this is new to You and all these things and so, so much more have already been lifted up to You for Joel and his family, especially by his parents, but still, I pray. I pray that You would once again heal him, completely. That once again You would bring Glory to Your Name through the healing of Joel’s cancer and body, whether it be through medicine or through sheer, unexplained power and cure, both can and will point to You. I pray that You would prepare Joel’s body for chemotherapy, giving him strength and reserves for fighting and living. God, I pray that you would give strength to this family for the endurance they will need is indescribable and must feel unbearable at times. It feels so heavy Lord, and I pray that You would lift their burdens, lift their hearts and give them strength. I pray that You would wrap them in Your comfort and promises, send Your angels to be with Joel and minister to him and his heart and body and his family. Jesus, go before them and make the path straight, partnering with the doctors and nurses as a means of healing and comfort and help. Father God, You are a God of LIFE, You are LIFE, I pray for the protection of Joel and this family from the power of satan and death. Continue to give them everything they need to fight, carrying them when they are weak and weary and using them to fight for Joel’s life with the strength and vision and Hope You give them. And Lord, fill them with Hope, the indescribable kind that lights a fire, the fire of the Holy Spirit and moves mountains, and give them Your indescribable peace. Lord, bless them with love and joy, treasured and cherished family time and memories and simple, restorative sleep. Carry them Lord. None of this is new to You, and though I feel an urgency to pray for Joel, I know that You do and already have him and this family in the palm of Your hands, doing great things and touching and changing the world through them. And so we wait for You to move again, expectantly we wait to see Your provisions and power and love displayed in and through Joel. We know that You make everything beautiful in it’s time and we pray You bring this family through this season in incredible and abundant fashion. We praise You for all You have done, continue to do and will do, for You are good and worthy of praise. In Jesus’ Name, AMEN.

    “Do not fear, for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41

    Love, The Osborn Family

  3. Jenny Hutson on October 22, 2011 5:22 pm

    Amy, my mom-heart is totally breaking for you. I obviously cannot come close to understanding how much pain and sadness you are feeling, but I want you to know that I pray for you every day. Mom-to-mom, I pray for peace and endurance and patience and sometimes just a quiet place to cry for a while. I wish there was something tangible I could do to alleviate some of the pressure that you’ll soon be facing with the start of chemotherapy. But for now, I’ll just keep praying. Every day.

  4. Jim Rutherford on October 22, 2011 7:11 pm

    More than 80 men – bikers, ex-addicts, ex-cons – stood in a large circle holding hands this morning after our monthly men’s breakfast and prayed for Joel! We will pray in church in both services in the morning! Spiritually, we stand shoulder to shoulder with you, not just prepared, but anxious for battle and victory!

  5. Georgelen Turnbull on October 23, 2011 6:49 am

    Oh Amy and Ryan,
    I am so very sorry to hear about our little dude. I am reminded of Jer 29:11 “For I know the thought and plans I have for you, says the Lord, thoughts and plans for welfare and peace and not for evil, to give you HOPE.”
    I also remember the scripture that I held on to when I first found out I had cancer. II Chron 20:15, 17 “The Lord says this to you: be not afraid OR dismayed. This battle is not yours, BUT GOD’S! You shall not need to fight in this battle: Take your position, stand still, and see the deliverance of the Lord, Who is with you. Fear not nor be dismayed go out against them. For the LORD is with you!!!!!” Stand firm and speak out loud the promises of the Lord, it will give you the strength and encouragement you need. I love you and I am praying for all of you!

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