I hoped this week that we would find our feet. I grew restless when the peace I remembered from the past was not something I could force myself into. Now I remember why it is good that I have some times when I am just desperately sad and nothing I can do for myself can change the fact that I feel lost. It is good because, right now I am experiencing peace that passes my understanding. The peace I feel is so far beyond my understanding that Ryan and I ask each other, “Are we sure this isn’t just denial, and how do we know?” We don’t understand it. Then I remember, no, this can not be denial because I’ve tried to be in denial and it never felt like this. Plus, just a few days ago I could not have made myself feel peace no matter how hard I tried. I can not give myself peace, not through denial, not through a sheer act of will. I can not quiet the storms. God gives peace, and when He does it floors me every time.
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I have a peace that has turned into hope! I have hope that feels like excitement. My son has three new tumors, and I am excited, because I see how incredible Joel’s healing can be. I am realizing that if from here, God heals Joel it will be the most incredible thing I have ever experienced in my life. I am so excited that I find myself in disbelief that God would choose us to have this experience, that he would give us this testimony. We have a story to share with people about the God who loves us enough to give us peace in the face of death, who gives us excitement where we would have despaired. Is God giving us a story of life conquering death? I think so. Why? Because that is just the kind of story God gives. God gave Jesus to conquer death for us once and for all. When Jesus died it looked like the end, but instead it was the end of death, it was life conquering death for everyone who would choose him, forever. Death has been circling Joel, and it is coming closer this time, but I am excited because I know the kind of stories God likes to tell, and they are stories where life wins.

Comments

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  1. Jeniece Mason on October 25, 2011 2:59 pm

    You’re right. I am excited with you! I’ve been following your story/blog for about a year and your outlook shines. I am not currently experiencing any health issues with my son, but something very different. Re-reading Joel’s story reminds me that we are extremely privilaged to be given these children by God. That God thought highly enough of us that we can handle this situations and provide our kids with agape love. Stength an hugs your way. Rejoicing in all the advancements Joel has made this past year! I bet you’re proud!

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