We felt pretty good at children’s hospital on Thursday.  Our doctor usually acts pretty upset when the news he’s giving us is awful, and this time he didn’t seem that upset, and so we were feeling pretty ok about the MRI.  However, our nurses all had tears in their eyes.  Of course, they love Joel, and anything other than a completely clear scan is hard for all of us.  As the day progressed we became more and more disappointed.  We have spent the last couple days pretty frustrated.  I think for me, if it is great news we rejoice, and if it is terrible news, we stir up faith in God, but this sort of in-between news felt like an excuse to feel stressed out, sad and sorry for ourselves.  We try not to dwell their too long, and to return to faith and trusting God, but it has been a down couple of days, with a few notable and pretty neat exceptions.

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Even driving home we were both pretty sad, and then Joel, in the back seat started singing.  Sometimes, when the other children are singing, or there is music on somewhere, Joel will begin to babble loudly in a melody.  It is adorable.  However, this time the car was completely quiet except for the “what if” conversation Ryan and I were having, and Joel just began singing.  He was so loud, and at first I wasn’t sure that he was singing, but then I heard his little hands clapping too.  We were worried and sad and stressed out and Joel was singing and clapping his hands.  So, we joined him.  We sang “I will sing unto the Lord for He has triumphed gloriously the horse and the rider thrown into the sea,” and we sang, “I command you Satan in the name of the Lord to pick up your tumors (normally weapons) and flee for the Lord has given me authority to march all over thee.”  We sang loud, reminding ourselves that we are in a fight!

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I remembered how sometimes in the past I felt really called just to rest in the peace God had given me, and just a few weeks ago because of a few things God had put in my heart I wondered if I might be called to really fight in faith for Joel.  So this time, while I still feel peace.  I want to take authority and really stand in God’s promises and actively extend my faith for Joel!  I am excited for that opportunity.

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So, Thursday night, before the children went to bed, we explained about Joel’s tumor, and we taught them what paralysis was, and we asked them, “What did Jesus do when the paralyzed man was lowered from the roof?” and they answered, “Jesus healed him.”  So, we talked about how God wants to heal Joel too, and we talked about how the paralyzed man’s friends brought him to Jesus since he couldn’t get to him, and we talked about how they can bring Joel to Jesus because Joel can’t ask for himself.  We taught them how to pray with authority, how to tell the tumor that it was not allowed to stay any more.   So they laid hands on Joel and commanded the tumor to die, and it was really, really good.  Then we sang the song about stomping on satan again and we all danced and marched and stomped and jumped around, and we continue to fight for Joel and teach our children what it means not just to ask but to fight.

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In the past we’ve worried about praying for too many very specific things for Joel with the children, we haven’t wanted to damage their faith if they ask for something that doesn’t happen, but I think we’ve realized that God is bigger than that, and that He will love and pursue our children through any kind of disappointment just like He faithfully has with us.  I also see the potential for our children to grow up strong in the Lord as they see Him respond to their prayers, especially their prayers that are very specific.  I have to tell you that even though I have been walking around moping over the fact that Joel and I will be going to the hospital Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday this week and Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday the week after that and I have been complaining that I am just tired of everything, these times when I have prayed with my children for Joel have been some of the best moments of my entire life, and I know that is the right position for us to take right now!

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Joel continues to do well.  This morning in his pack in play I watched as held onto the sides and walked the perimeter again and again, those legs are still working just fine!  God has been faithful to encourage us, a friend of ours told us just last week that they had a dream of Joel walking into the church just a little bit older than he is now, maybe 4, walking straight and tall with clear eyes, still a little crossed.  At the time I was very glad she shared it, but I wondered if it was significant.  Early this morning I remembered that dream and thought, “Oh, he was walking, that’s why it was significant!”  God has done this over and over again with us, where someone tells us about a dream or a vision or gives us a prophetic word that at the time does not feel especially important, but then within a few days we receive news of a new threat that turns the word they gave before into a promise that we can hold onto.  It reminds me of all the people who in the past couple years have had dreams or visions of Joel walking or running or riding a bike, and I believe we can hold onto the fact that God sees Joel whole, not paralyzed!

Comments

There are 2 comments for this post.

  1. Jim Rutherford on March 10, 2012 10:04 pm

    I was actually encouraged that with the difficulties which have caused Joel to have so few of the scheduled chemo treatments that it was almost, of not, miraculous there were not new tumors, and that even though the one had grown, it did not yet seem to have an effect on Joel – and the pinpoint radiation which was so successful before is available now to kill this only existing tumor! So, while it was not a wonderful as would have been the news of no new tumors and the existing one even smaller or gone, it seemed like a great report and a chance, through the radiation, for Joel to once again be tumor and even cancer free.

  2. peggy reinwald on March 11, 2012 10:58 am

    Dear Amy, When John first told me of Joel and his struggle with cancer, I told him.. John, this little boy is going to be ok. He may have thought I was just trying to be make him feel better and give him postive energy, but I truly felt it! You talked today of hearing of visions or dreams that people have had of Joel so I thought that today I’d share what my “vision” my feelings were when I first heard about Joel and your family. I see him as much older and speaking to a group. I know we’ve never met but I feel as if I come to know your family better through your blogs and through Johnny… I am praying for you all. Yours in peace…Peggy Reinwald

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