Here we are, on the eve of another MRI. Sometimes I wonder how many MRIs joel has had. We don’t count, but since they have happened every two to three months for over three years now I guess it has to be somewhere between 12 and 18, but I’m sure the number is closer to 18 than 12.
I know I will have bouts of nervousness tomorrow. I have yet to have a completely peaceful stomach on an MRI day. For tonight, the only thing I’m feeling is peace and joy. Joel was full of life and joy today. All day long his joy was contagious. I could cry just thinking of how blessed I am, how massively blessed our entire family is, and how I’m pretty sure only Ryan and I fully understand how grateful we are for the gift God has given us in Joel, (and Caleb Isaac and Elijah too.) I could not be more proud to be their mommy.
I am almost swallowed up in God’s love right now, and of course, the bible says perfect love casts out fear. That is how I feel, so surrounded by the love of God for me and my family that there is no room for fear. I can logically think about the very real possibility that we could get terrible news tomorrow, but even if we get that terrible news, I just can’t fear my future or Joel’s because God’s love is too big to make room for worry.
I am also struck at how normal life is again already. Two months ago, we were told, once again, to prepare for Joel’s imminent death. A month ago he was in such severe pain that I had to hold him all day long. Today Joel is walking, playing, climbing, laughing and wearing hearing aids. Already death is just a shadow. I do not know what we will learn at tomorrow’s MRI, but I know the faithfulness of my God. I know He loves us desperately. I know that God delights in Joel. There is nothing to fear.


There are 4 comments for this post.

  1. Siobhan on January 24, 2013 10:33 pm

    I love your blog. I love how you love your beautiful children and I love how you love God! Any parent would be nervous on this, another MRI eve, but you know that our gracious and merciful father is on the throne above, and has all of the comfort and peace that you need. I will be praying alongside of you tomorrow as Joel sees yet another MRI, and we know that God hears our prayers and hears our cries to him on Joel’s behalf. What a promise we have in Him!
    Love and prayers to the entire family!

  2. Carrie on January 24, 2013 10:43 pm

    Amen!!! Praying for you and Joel and your whole family. I don’t always post or comment but we have been fervently praying for Joel in this season mostly for him to thrive and move forward in all areas of his life. Love you all.

  3. Jacqueline Di Lorenzo on January 25, 2013 6:02 am

    AMEN!!! Our God is LOVE. Our God is FAITHFUL. Our God will NEVER leave us nor forsake us. May you be blessed with His presence especially today!

    We are praying and Jesus is interceding for us! Praise the Lord!

    In the Love of Christ,

  4. SDavis on March 2, 2013 8:14 pm


    I don’t know you or your family, but I recently watched Joel’s video from soulpancake. I have been wrestling with it ever since I watched it. My husband and I were literally destroyed by the video. Destroyed in a good way. We are both believers, walking with Jesus and have been for a while. After seeing this video, I am so convicted. My faith is nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the faith that you and your family have in our Savior. I have a one year old daughter and I stay home with her all day. Prior to watching your video, I was so eager to put her to bed that night so I could have a moment of peace. After watching your testimony, I thought to myself, “A moment of peace Samantha, you wanted to put her to bed for a moment of peace? How selfish are you?” I found myself praying for my daughter to stir just so I could go in and hold her for a moment. I found myself asking God for forgiveness for the many times I have been impatient with her. I found myself praying to learn how to love my family better. I do not feel sorry for you. Understand me when I say I do not mean that in a malicious way. Rather, I am envious of your faith. I am taken back by your love for our God. You live a life of surrender that so many of us will never attain. Obviously, you want your sweet boy healthy. Obviously, you wish for things to be different. But know that because they are not, you have strengthened my faith. You have convicted me to love my daughter better. You have reminded me how precious every moment is. You and your family are living walking breathing testaments of when Paul says to “boast in trials and tribulations.” You and your family will “receive the crown of life” because you are persevering. A very wise woman once told me, 90% of success is enduring and you have done this so gracefully and beautifully. I will pray for you sweet child and you family, but tonight I praise God and thank the Lord for you and for your faith. I am a better person because of you. I have been heavy since the moment I watched that video, and I wonder if I will ever shake this feeling. Honestly, if I don’t, I will be blessed. The burden of loving the ones close to us should never be lost. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reminding me of that. Your voice, your prayer, and the face of your sweet boy are written on my heart forever. I don’t know you, but I love you. Know that we will lift you up tonight.

    In Him,

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