I’ve been debating for a while how transparent to be in my posts here since Joel died. On the one hand, we have always tried to be very open about everything we felt and experienced as we were fighting in faith for Joel to be healed. We tried to write as much, if not more, about our doubts and insecurities than we did about our confidence and hope. (Truthfully I was always fairly intentional about this because I believed Joel would be healed and I never wanted anyone to ever suppose it was because we had a perfect faith. I wanted people to know that we didn’t do anything special. We had no rules or formulas. We just loved God, and trusted Him, and mostly we trusted Him to be aware of our humanness and bigger than our failings.)
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My weakness was going to show God strong. My weakness was going to bring God glory. So I always wanted to write about my weakness. Now, I worry that my weakness could injure people. Can my doubt now diminish other people’s faith? If it can, then I would rather never write another word. In the days after Joel died I told Ryan that if God can be silent so can I. But it is my trust that God will not be silent forever that makes me willing to share my questions, my hurts, my confusion. I have seen already how my questions are not unique to me. Many people who are close to us or who have followed Joel’s story have shared their frustration with me, have told me that they too struggle to pray right now. If I let the deep struggle of my heart go unsaid, after sharing the way God upheld us and sustained us, the silence might be more damaging than my weakness. If I believed that God was bigger than my failings before, I have to trust that He will be bigger than them still, and that people will join me in the deep, unknown places of anger and struggle and patiently wait for God to meet us there too.
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I don’t believe I share these posts recklessly, because I see in the bible that God loved David who shouted his anger with God in the psalms; God saw Job as a pillar of faith who questioned God to the point of receiving a Holy rebuke that somehow did not disqualify Job from being restored by the God he had accused; Jacob wrestled with God, demanding a blessing, and received it. It seems to me that God most highly esteems the hearts that aren’t afraid to really engage with Him, to accuse, shout, question, and still trust that God will not leave them alone in their frustration but that He will meet them. So I have decided to share the hard stuff too. I’m creating a new category called “Mommy Questions.” So, you can feel free to skip posts with that heading if you’d rather not wade through the muck with me.

Comments

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  1. Caroline on April 3, 2014 2:13 pm

    You need the time to go through all the emotions: grief, anger, etc. God is still there to catch every tear and hold you, even when you have nothing to say to Him!

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