Last week was Caleb and Isaac’s spring break. So we spent three nights at the YMCA about an hour from our home. We stayed in a little two bedroom cabin and went swimming and rollerskating and made craft projects. It just felt like it would be good to get away together.

.

I’ve been very aware that our family as it exists now is a six week experience. In just under three weeks Zoe will be born and life will shift for us again. I wanted to make a few memories of our family now, the five of us. I’m not sure why, but it feels important to remember us without Joel and before Zoe. Regardless, the time was good for us. The boys had such an amazing time, and we always love watching them enjoy themselves. (As I write this it destroys me a little to realize that Joel missed Zoe’s birth by just six weeks. He almost got to meet her, and I wanted that for him so much.)
.
The kids are doing well. They are back in school now and as far as I can tell they are really glad to be back in their routine. 99% of the time they are just normal boys, playing and joking around, but then sometimes they get to thinking about Joel and they tell us they are sad, and we talk and they ask questions and we all cry. Those moments feel very healthy, and I am proud of how willing they are to talk about and process things with us. Saturday night we talked for a long time about Joel, and Sunday morning on the way to church Isaac said, “Do you think we cried more tears yesterday or the day Joel died?” I told him I wasn’t sure but probably the day Joel died, and he said, “Someone should have counted our tears, why didn’t anyone think to count them?”
.
Caleb dreams about Joel a lot, something he doesn’t love because he wakes up sad that his dreams aren’t real. We talked about how feeling sad helps you heal more than avoiding sadness.
.
Ryan and I mostly marvel at how well we are doing. We are happy when we are happy and sad when we are sad, but even the sadness is good. It does not feel overwhelming or unmanageable. We do not feel broken, and we really expected to feel broken.
.
Here are a few photos from our time at the YMCA.
.
IMG_1755
.
IMG_1775
.
IMG_1802
.
IMG_1845

Comments

There are 2 comments for this post.

  1. Caroline on April 8, 2014 7:01 pm

    Thanks for sharing about your week – Congrats on your upcoming arrival 🙂

  2. Beth on April 10, 2014 11:06 am

    It’s so good to see the kids with smiles on their faces enjoying themselves.. But that last picture of you Amy is heartbreaking. You’re there but your not, if that makes any sense? It’s completely understandable, I just wish I could take all the sadness and all the hurt away from you. You don’t have to publish this comment. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you, of your family and of Joel. Oh, I wish the outcome was different. Please know that you’re being loved from a far.

Write a Comment

Let me know what you think?