We had a good Thanksgiving, and a good Christmas too. Thank you for all your prayers. I never would have imagined that either of these days could have gone as well as they did. There has been a lot of joy in our home. I am so thankful.
Tonight the tears are close. It was a very good Christmas, simple, and nice, but it does not come close to the joy we had last Christmas. Tonight, with my kids tucked in bed, I will allow myself to miss my son, and to think that in 18 days he would have turned six. It’s hard to imagine him as six-years-old. This past Sunday at church the sunday school kids all came together and sang a song in front of the church, and in the front row, to the left of Elijah, all the five-year-olds were standing together, singing and looking so impossibly old. I remember when each of them were born. They were Joel’s age. I watched them sing, more than I watched my own kids singing, and just thought, “Joel should be standing there with them, singing. These should have been his friends. This should have been his place.”
It was a good day. We got through it well. Now it’s over, our first Christmas without Joel. It wasn’t as hard as it should have been, and I don’t know how I feel about that, probably mostly grateful. Chances are I will be a mess tomorrow, but today was good.


There are 4 comments for this post.

  1. Anne on December 27, 2014 5:33 am

    I think it’s right and normal to miss your son. Let it happen. You’ve got some tough “firsts” coming up in the next few months and I’m praying for you. It’s not easy.

  2. Laci Rost on December 30, 2014 11:28 am

    I just spent hours reading about your Joel!
    This was my first Christmas without my son, Peter. In mid-April he got sick, fever/back pain. May 6th he was diagnosed with malignant rhabdoid tumor of the kidney. He was stage 4 with metastasis to his liver, spleen, lungs and bones. He fought hard but passed away August 30th.
    Your blog is beautiful, thank you.
    I lived in Loveland 15 years ago. I went to Thompson Valley High School. I also had my youngest baby just before your Zoe was born (my Hannah came 5 days before Peter got sick).

  3. lisa on January 25, 2015 8:41 pm

    The video in our Sunday school curriculum this morning was of you guys sharing your story. I came home and looked up your story to learn more. Thanks for sharing your story. I will pray for you. Joel’s story has touched many lives.

  4. Maree orr on February 24, 2015 12:17 am

    I’ve been checking on and off to see if you have posted anything. Just wanted your family to know I’m still thinking and pray for your precious family.

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